A Trifecta of Suck AKA Why The Asylum Is The Bees Knees

There are a few unarguable rules to the universe. "What Goes Up Must Come Down," "Every Action causes an Equal and Opposite Reaction" and "Taure Can't Walk Into A Movie Stop or F.Y.E Without Buying Something."

This go round I managed to limit myself to two selections from The Holy Bargain Bin. A great documentary on comic books called  Comic Book Confidential...

...And a triple-feature horror pack from a little studio called Asylum. Never heard of them? Oh you poor, poor soul. Allow me to educate you while there is still time.

The Asylum specializes in "Mockbuster" or blatant ripoffs of up-and-coming movies to ride on the hype machine. For example, Hollywood does this:

The Asylum does This:

And then my mother will then mistakenly buy instead of the Tom Cruise movie in order to frustrate me. Because seriously, I hate Tom Cruise and I want to punch Dakota Fanning in her cute fucking mouth.

However, my anger toward The Asylum at putting out movies straight to video in order to confuse old laidies who can't tell the difference between Transformers for $20 and Transmorphers for $3 out of the bargain rack has slowly subsided. Mostly because they stopped giving a damn.

OH SHIT. WAS THAT A T-REX? AND A STEAMPUNK IRON MAN SUIT? FUCK YOU RDJ, BAD CGI DRAGONS!

My pack movies included I Am OMEGA an I Am Legend ripoff with a martial artist you may recognize like you recognize some guy you had lunch with one time in elementary school, Monster an almost unwatchable Cloverfield clone, and a wonderfully bizarre piece of cinema called ALIEN VS HUNTER. I was in for a GREAT night.

 

So if you know what you're in for, and have a few bucks to blow (or a few of your friend's bucks. Or Netflix.) than I would actually recommend some of the newer Asylum films. They aren't good per say, but some of them are damn entertaining. I would even go so far to say that I'd take a few of them over the movie they are imitating.

And Hell, I am more excited about their Thor movie than the real one.

Awesome.