The Apartment AKA This is the Saddest Movie

Billy Wilder is a Fucking Genius.

and we love it

There I said it. Now I can skip singing his praises and get into reviewing his Movie The Apartment, which is a freaking cinematic Masterpiece. it was even turned into a musical called Promises, Promises, which was revived recently with Sean Hayes and Kristen Chenoweth.

Jack Lemmon you are not.

The Apartment is one of those movies that I have difficult talking sensibly about because I tend to get all emotionally whipped up and teary-eyed. It's like a Pixar film.

The flash back scene! Oh God get me a box of kleenex! DDDDD:

The Apartment is about Jack Lemmon being a doormat for everyone else's sexual conquests. This man loans out his apartment for other guys to have affairs in, all while taking the fall for the suspect noises and string of girls coming from the titular apartment.

No. Now where are my cleats?

The one fact that almost tips this over Some Like It Hot as my OMGFAVORITEMOVIEEVER is Shirley Maclaine. She spends ever second of this film being heart-breakingly charming and adorable. And of course Billy Wilder goes out of his way to turn her into a perfect wooby. 

Is she sad or petulant? I don't care, it's adorable!

 And this being a Billy Wilder, starring Jack Lemmon, prepare yourself for suicide as a source of comedy! 

 Do The Suicide Charleston! :D

And ambivalent happy endings!

 "Shut Up and Deal." is the new "Shut up and kiss me"

 The fact is I LOVE being emotionally manipulated. I love having my heart ripped out in front of and trampled under the movie's spiked boot while I watch. I may just be a masochist. The best way for a movie to make me love it to to cause me pain, whether emotional or physical.

 I was good until that last scene D:

A Trifecta of Suck AKA Why The Asylum Is The Bees Knees

There are a few unarguable rules to the universe. "What Goes Up Must Come Down," "Every Action causes an Equal and Opposite Reaction" and "Taure Can't Walk Into A Movie Stop or F.Y.E Without Buying Something."

This go round I managed to limit myself to two selections from The Holy Bargain Bin. A great documentary on comic books called  Comic Book Confidential...

...And a triple-feature horror pack from a little studio called Asylum. Never heard of them? Oh you poor, poor soul. Allow me to educate you while there is still time.

The Asylum specializes in "Mockbuster" or blatant ripoffs of up-and-coming movies to ride on the hype machine. For example, Hollywood does this:

The Asylum does This:

And then my mother will then mistakenly buy instead of the Tom Cruise movie in order to frustrate me. Because seriously, I hate Tom Cruise and I want to punch Dakota Fanning in her cute fucking mouth.

However, my anger toward The Asylum at putting out movies straight to video in order to confuse old laidies who can't tell the difference between Transformers for $20 and Transmorphers for $3 out of the bargain rack has slowly subsided. Mostly because they stopped giving a damn.

OH SHIT. WAS THAT A T-REX? AND A STEAMPUNK IRON MAN SUIT? FUCK YOU RDJ, BAD CGI DRAGONS!

My pack movies included I Am OMEGA an I Am Legend ripoff with a martial artist you may recognize like you recognize some guy you had lunch with one time in elementary school, Monster an almost unwatchable Cloverfield clone, and a wonderfully bizarre piece of cinema called ALIEN VS HUNTER. I was in for a GREAT night.

 

So if you know what you're in for, and have a few bucks to blow (or a few of your friend's bucks. Or Netflix.) than I would actually recommend some of the newer Asylum films. They aren't good per say, but some of them are damn entertaining. I would even go so far to say that I'd take a few of them over the movie they are imitating.

And Hell, I am more excited about their Thor movie than the real one.

Awesome.